September 10, 2001

I sit here looking at my 36 year old life and trying to remember who I was at 26. I really didn't need anyone. I had a great career. I didn't need love, after all, that notion pretty much bit me in the behind anytime I tried it. I spent all day at work and all night in class trying to finish a degree that would take me 3 more years to complete (I had already been going for seven, so what's three more years). I would fly off for work on a moments notice. I had no real obligations, anyway. I never had much notice for the business travel. I would rush to the airport take two minutes for security and walk on a plane just two minutes before it was set to take off. I became a running joke with the folks at the Southwest terminal. Other folks taking off had their loved ones walk them to the gate and watch them take off. Some passengers getting off were greeted with open arms from those they loved that they hadn't seen in a while. It was somewhat touching, not that I needed any of that junk. I had all I ever needed.

September 11 came and I was running late for work and caught the first World Trade Center being hit, then the second. Rumblings began of possible terrorism on the radio in the car. I went to head into traffic for the day's work completely numb, pulling in the garage not even knowing how I got there but remembering that I had to cross three lanes of traffic and everyone let me go... no one even tried to cut me off. I was crying but couldn't even feel it. Just tears coming with no warning or no sobbing, just rolling. I get to work and learn about the Pentagon also being hit. I just go back to work at my desk, not knowing what else to do with myself. It was like something out of an action movie with workers like me in their suits but completely covered in ash. I was a grown independent woman after all and all I wanted was my mommy.

September 12 I finally was affected or effected, whichever way you look at it. This was the day I realized I didn't want to be in this world alone. This is what gave way to me later becoming engaged and deciding to have children... even though they didn't come until another few years. I finally got what my mom was saying when she would so subtly send me articles about my biological clock ticking and my window was narrowing. To think I would have went through this life without giving life to my two beautiful children I now have. This was also the day thousands of people from hundreds of countries realized that the ones they loved were never coming home. Like it or not, their life as they knew it had been ripped from them and they were to start over alone. Where first responders answered their call of duty to save lives they well knew couldn't be saved and knew they were running into what would likely become their tomb. This is the day I finally understood what prompted my grandfather to lie about his age and join the navy to fight in World War II after Pearl Harbor. This was the beginning of our flag being now seen with different eyes. It gave new meaning for the red of the blood shed for our nation. When the national anthem became something that gave me chills. Now I had someone to walk me to the gate and greet me with open arms at the airport, and they couldn't get past security. And security became an hour long ordeal even if you were just flying to Dallas. I remember being asked to remove my shoes and thinking, you really want me to walk bare foot on the airport floor? This was the day we had to become vigilent. Ask my OBGYN what September brought? She will be quick to tell you come Summer of 2002 it brought babies, and lots of them!

I tried to explain to my daughter today why it was important for her to wear red, white, and blue today. The complexity of this anniversary isn't one to attempt to explain to a six year old but one day I will. She will grow up never knowing what the world was like before. Like I grew up not knowing what Pearl Harbor felt like for those that lived through that attack. I hope she and her brother look back at my words and get an idea of what it meant for so many. For those of us that didn't directly lose anyone in the attacks. For those of us that really didn't lose much of anything but in turn gained enlightenment and perspective through the horror of that day. And maybe we grew up. And maybe we found our faith. And maybe we opened our hearts a little more.